The Problem with Chemistry

First the good news. I finally ate at Hyunh one of the best restaurants in Houston (#33 on the 2014 Houston 100) in EaDo, across the street from Warehouse Live, which hosted The Moth event. As for the event, it's the local organization of the national radio talk show. Tonight's theme was CHEMISTRY.

The description on the site says this:

“The theme this month is “CHEMISTRY.”

Prepare a five-minute story about the power of combinations. Complex reactions, sparks, explosions…magical solutions. Dynamic rapport and explosive interactions. Opposites that attract or pheromones that fizzle. Lessons in the lab of life. Transformation. Safety goggles ON. Cu There.”

The empty stage waiting for storySLAM participants @ the Moth Houston at Warehouse Live.

I didn't prepare a story, but the first and second storytellers of the night are friends of mine from a writing critique group, and if I would have prepared a story, I think it would have been this one.

Chemistry is a funny thing. Be careful kids when you play with chemistry because when you play with fire you're going to get burned, and when you play with chemistry, there will be an explosion and someone's walking away with some kind of horrible burn, scar, or disfigurement. I'm not sure if it's chemistry or lust, or where one begins and the other ends, but chemistry for me is something I need to feel or else I'm just not invested. Chemistry is that inexplicable spark between two people and the attraction between them becomes magnetic and undeniable. You can't keep them apart. I only pursue someone if I feel that chemistry and history has proved that this is kind of a problem because I just don't feel it all that often, and when I do it's the life and death of me.

This time I wasn't looking for anything in particular. I had just decided that I was ready to get back on the scene. Look for something substantial as I'd been single for more than three years, and I'd gone through a tumultuous pseudo-relationship. The kind that I wanted to be in and something was there, however, I don't think you could technically call it a real relationship because it never was. But I decided that I was going to try something that everyone else was talking about at the time: Tinder. Yup I went there, and I was addicted at first. The thrill of swiping left and right and the rush when you get a match. I was on it for a day or two with multiple matches and then I saw him. Quirky, funny, his personality radiating through the pictures, so much so that he scared me. I almost swiped left because I didn't know if I would be ready, but I swiped right anyway, and the connection was instant before we even met. We were just in sync. On the same wavelength, everything felt natural and easy, and it only took two days to go from online flirtation to real life date.

I was running incredibly late and felt horrible for it, but I met him at Grand Prize, which in itself was special, as it's one of my favorite bars in Houston and no one ever suggests it. It was right around the corner from his house. How convenient. I walked in and saw him sitting at the bar by himself. I still remember what he was wearing. Shorts and a T-shirt from college that he still wears frequently. His long dark hair brushed against his shoulders, and he had a pair of pink sunglasses resting on his head. He was reading a paper and sitting at the bar. It was probably just the setting sun, but when I saw him sitting there, he had a halo, and not only did I know that it was him, but I knew that it was him. My breath caught in my throat and I felt jolted, and I hadn't even seen his face yet. I walked in and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around and seemed genuinely excited that I was me. I gave him a hug that felt warm and comforting and as I pulled up a stool to sit next to him our eyes locked and I got lost in his green eyes. I saw my life there in his eyes, and I was done at that exact moment, there was nothing left for me to need to feel. I know it sounds hasty and silly, but I want to think in my heart of hearts that he felt it too. That we were both very in love from that first minute. Our first two days together were the best two days of the past year. I felt safe, secure, loved, and appreciated all from a stranger who I didn't even really know. It seemed impractical so I thought I would take it slow. Over the course of the night after a lot of alcohol (thanks, Chemistry) I may have let it slip to his friends that I was in love with this person already...

Fast forward almost a year later. I never fell out of love. I'm still in love. It's difficult not to be in love with the person who makes you feel like you're home, when that's all you want to feel and you hardly ever do. The best way I know how to describe it is that most of the time I can't wait to get away from people. To run from them, but with him, I just wanted to run towards him. My heart felt at peace... still. Like the only place I wanted to ever be was by this person's side because he made me feel like I was capable of doing anything and being anyone. I don't know where it all went wrong, but at some point the chemistry faded for him, and only got stronger for me. After almost a year, I had to walk away. Relationships are hard, and not that I'm against working and fighting for something worth fighting for, but I can't be the only one fighting for what I believe in. Chemistry be damned for making me feel like I'm lost, and I won't get the chance to feel that again.